An Open Letter to TV Commercial Writers

To the writers of today’s TV commercials:

First of all, I thought we were friends. I thought that if we treated each other with the same level of respect, then I wouldn’t see some of the mind-numbing poop that keeps my hand firmly wrapped around the remote. We had a good run with non sequitur (such as this), and I was fine with ads that were less captivating than watching grass grow (such as this). However, you have let me down to a new low.

Let’s start with that Dannon ad, the one with “the Activia lady”. I understand Jamie Lee Curtis needs the work, but isn’t there a better environment for this veteran actress – this icon of American cinema – than as a sampler in a grocery store? For Christ’s sake, she was in “Trading Places”!  Would you cast Eddie Murphy as a Wal-Mart greeter?

Moving on, Jamie Lee getting sassy and making an announcement over the PA system was enough to make me gouge my eyes out with a shrimp fork. The content is too flimsy, and the context is too grim, leaving me with one burning image in my mind: Jamie Lee Curtis dropping a deuce. I am now in no mood to even consider eating yogurt.

Another ad that just shouldn’t be is the latest Speed Stick commercial. It starts with an immediately off-putting question: “What’s your pit type?”.

Now I must preface this by saying that there are certain health conditions that should not be approached via TV commercial. I would rather be pleasantly surprised with certain strides in hygiene technology. Is the middle of an episode of “Heroes” a good time to inform me of my choices for handling vaginal burning and odor? Exactly. Now back to the Speed Stick commercial.

Once asked about my “pit type”, I’m braced for what uncomfortable subject matter ensues.

“Sweaty? Hairy? Sensitive?”

What? Did you really just ask me that? I don’t think I ever cared what differentiates the needs of a sweaty armpit versus a hairy one. That commercial didn’t spark an interest either. I felt like my television presented me with a subject I wasn’t prepared to tackle at the moment, kind of like when your six year-old asks you what a douche is for.

Of course this wouldn’t be complete with what is, by far, one of the worst advertising campaigns ever: the Geico cavemen. This campaign should’ve ended about 30 seconds before it started, and the creative geniuses that sparked it should’ve had their right to use English revoked. But no, I should be led to believe that cavemen walk among us, and pity that their intellect is insulted by cheap advertising. I never felt sorry for them, probably because I’m too preoccupied with having my intellect insulted by cheap advertising.

In conclusion, if nothing can be taken from this post, please consider this: we thirst for wit; we are starved of clever humor. Take note of the catchy quips of the not-so-legendary Vince Offer (“stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life”). Do you part to boost the economy (and your profession), and make me want to buy something!