Here’s how to order…

My wife needs the television on in order to get to sleep. Not sure why, but I’ve just gotten used to it. On occasion, my sleep is interrupted in the middle of the night by the sweaty underarm of the advertising world, better known as the infomercial. Now, I understand the selling power of a 30-minute onslaught of unbelievable claims, bad acting, terrible graphics and louder-than-necessary voiceovers, but three particular peddlers fascinate me with their ability to get anyone to give anything to them.

Just to be clear, I have always known that I was full of it. But did I need snake-oil salesman (and John Waters look-alike) Klee Irwin to illustrate just what “it” is? Staged in what looks like a corny talk show, Klee and his sidekick Dr. James Chappell share their gospel about how impacted fecal matter, parasites in the colon, and “unusual, foul-smelling bowel movements” can be flushed away by his latest and greatest concoction: Dual Action Cleanse 2. For our viewing pleasure, he leverages the mighty power of television to show us what comes out of our “old house” after using his product. Needless to say, I skipped breakfast the next morning. Thanks for that, Klee.

Next, are you too uncoordinated to wash your own bottom? Do you like to watch large men flop around like trapped manatees in the shower? Then you can’t miss the Body Snake! I know that there are people out there with serious needs that would benefit greatly from this product. If this mutant pipe cleaner was marketed directly to them, this infomercial would be perfectly acceptable. However, they seem to be targeting large, clumsy men. And that makes it funny.

I was going to post a video of Girls Gone Wild, but on second thought, we’ve all seen enough of them. Also, I didn’t want this to be the place that someone sees their daughter in a compromising position.  Nothing says “I hate you, Dad” quite like the flashing of oh-no’s for the world to see. Instead, I remembered something that makes me laugh everytime I see it and has almost earned my money…

It seems that the hardest part about starting an exercise regimen is just getting off your butt. No worries now, thanks to the Hawaii Chair! Take it from Brad, the ambassador of all things Hawaiian with the complexion of a zombie: these should be a staple in every office environment. I’m sure it would make your office tasks as easy as starting an on-the-job romance. Seriously, our friend Erin in the pink sweater looks like she’s holding on for dear life.

I could go on forever with this, but we all have lives or jobs that we should get back to.